"The main reason I'm writing at this time is that I had a very meaningful experience around self defense and I wanted to share it with you and whoever else you might want to share it with. I was writing in bed one night about 11:30; my light was on. I live alone, my bedroom is not facing the street, but rather a back yard/lot. I have a back porch iwth two windows and a door leading to it. I was hearing very quiet noises on the porch that didn't seem quite right, tried to ignore them for a while, then really felt something was wrong and immediately began to think what to do. I turned the bedroom light out (so no one could see in), went into the living room and and turned the light on (so I could see my way to the door) and unlocked the door. Then I went back to the bedroom very quietly, got out a flashlight and aimed it at the floor so I could see a little, but hopefully no one looking in could see it. I went to the bedroom window, parted the curtain a little and looked out at the porch. As far as I could see, there was no one. I walked toward the back porch door on my way to the kitchen window which also faced the porch. As I went by the door, I looked out the window in the door and very clearly saw the silhouette of a head and shoulders standing there. I immediately left the apartment, still very quietly, and ran downstairs, pounded on a neighbor's door, and called the police. Meanwhile, another neighbor, a man, came in the building, saw me in the hall in my nightgown and immediately ran upstairs to my apartment. As I called the police, I heard all this crashing and banging upstairs thumping -- thought for sure my neighbor was getting creamed. But he came downstairs, said there had indeed been a man in my bedroom. He left by the window (which is how he got in after I left the room). (1) My first instinct, on hearing the noises, was to discount or ignore them. I told myself I was being paranoid. Denial. This felt very familiar to me as it went on -- I knew I'd done this kind of mental shoving-under- the-carpet before -- hearing footsteps behind me on the street at night, watching car lights that seemed to be following me. Why the denial? For me, it's a desire not to be seen as paranoid, an over-cautious "sissy," a victim. But more important, I think, is that all women know, subconsciously and consciously, that they are rapable. We walk around with that every minute of every day. It is such a terrifying thought -- the reality of that, that I think we tend to cope with it (and the ensuing feelings of helplessness, the feeling that inevitably we are victims) by a kind of denial, the voice that says "It couldn't happen to me." There's a pervasive feeling, which the culture instills in us, that there is nothing we can do about it, so our only mental defense is to pretend it couldln't possibly happen to us. That was what was operating when I tried to ignore the footsteps. (2) When I counteracted that tendency, I began to think realistically about the situation. Turning the light on, unlocking the front door, the flashlight, every move was thought out, concise and quick, but not frantic, had a clear purpose (i.e., protecting myself without alarming the intruder). This kind of careful planning and acting felt new and exciting. And I think it has a lot to do with self defense training. The attitude change that deciding to take self defense brought about in me "saved my life." Because I knew I was not inevitably a victim, I didn't have to just freeze, panic and give up to the inevitable. I could think and not try to confron the guy and try out my techniques. In other words, without every having to use the physical methods of self defense I learned, I used the attitude of power and control over my space, body and life, to think my way out of danger. I really realized how easy and typical it was to ignore (until it was too late), then panic, freeze -- and bingo -- you've got a victim. That's the pattern most women are shoved into, I think. So I feel really good about this experience and had a strong sense when it was over, that I had truly saved myself -- the guy really did mean business and he never got near me. Two women friends were there within minutes, one spent the night with me. I am still a little jumpy at noises, but I don't feel terrorized. I felt, and feel, good and angry at the appalling nerve of anyone to expect me to be lying in bed waiting for him! And I'm getting a dog -- more for company than protection -- but I'll appreciate that extra set of ears listening, and a good loud bark! So that's the story... in a long and roundabout way it's a thank you too. I believe now more than ever that self defense is vital to women's survival in this culture. Whether we ever physically fight, or not, it's just a huge step toward ending our victimization, and our tacit cooperation in our victimization. (I'm sort of hoping that you'll share some of this with women in classes. I think it's be useful.) Betsy"
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